When you watch a horror movie, you watch for two things: to be scared and to see some crazy hot dude run around, killing or being killed. Some of them look so kissable and—You know what?—I wanted to share ten of my favorite horror dudes for you to think about kissing this Halloween season.
One of my first beefy, doofy middle school loves, Shawn delivered some sport hunk realness in this eternally gay movie. I spent much of the movie furious at Jordana Brewster for calling him names. You just want to see him kiss someone—not get yelled at! Yes, he turns fish people in the end—but you will love it because you love him and because he turns non-fish in the end. I also saw Shawn two blocks from my apartment drinking boba and he was very sweaty and I realized that I’ve always thought—even as a teen—that Shawn Hatosy probably smells like ball sweat because he is probably always working out and I probably like that.
This is a newer pick and it’s an odd one because the movie is terrible. It builds up some good tension and then shits all over it in the end. The one good—or at least very odd and intriguing—thing about the movie is Thwaites. He’s supposed to be playing a sixteen year old but he looks like fucking Rambo with giant, bulging arm things that are barely contained by his shirts. This is the kind of dumb horror movie lover that you lust after because he could choke you or because you imagine that he is dumb enough to fool around with you since he doesn’t know what gay sex means. Such a kissable attribute!
A classic film and a Kurt from another time, his look in The Thing is so lumberjack hunk 2015. He’s also such a great dick in this movie (dick the state, not dick the body part). Either way, let me kiss it.
Bruce Campbell always has been (and always will be) a babe. I watched this movie so much in high school and I didn’t know why I liked it so much until I made the Babe Bruce connection, especially considering the third act’s devolving into screams and wind machines. Even Evil Ash is sexy! I’d kiss him. I’d kiss his clear eyeballs, too.
Another high school fave, this was pre-D.B. Vin, when no one knew who he was, when he was still an exotic non-ethnic-ethnic with a killer smile, and when people still confused him for wine. Yes, this is more sci-fi action than horror but I will allow it because it’s a great movie that spawned a terrible franchise due to Vin’s biceps. Let me kiss them! I’d still kiss them. Maybe? Maybe if he stops posting so much on fucking Facebook.
Yeah, sure, okay: this is becoming my high school jack off horror movie mixtape list because most of these are dudes I saw at dollar theatres in the tenth grade. This movie I actually saw twice in theatres because “the effects were so good.” That is true but I also owe a lot the repeat views to my wanting to kiss Taye Diggs. He’s perfectly late nineties / early aughts adorable and I once shared an elevator with him in Barney’s in Beverly Hills in 2004 and he was a half-foot shorter than me and I was sad but I also wondered if I could pick him up. I think he follows me on Twitter now, which is fine because he follows everyone on Twitter.
Adam Brody has never been that exciting to me. But as a badass rock devil dude in Jennifer’s Body? Yes. Kiss me hard. Kiss me deadly. Kiss me. JUST KISS ME WITH YOUR LIPSTICKED LIPS. Brody may always be beautiful but my attraction is most likely due to eyeliner.
If working out naked or sponge bath scenes aren’t enough, then you obviously aren’t into beautiful hunky hairy men of the eighties with supremely kissable chests. Wouldn’t you want his body hair in your teeth? The monkey may shine in this movie but Beghe is the real ray of light in this nature horror film.
Both of these movies are alt-Italian classics worth your time and Urbano gives you two totally different roles and two totally different hots. In Opera, he’s a sharp and mysterious blonde babe who is always buttoned up and should probably stay away from birds. In Demons, he’s a badass teen machine here to save everyone from evil creatures that look like Rick James. For further lusting after Urbano, kiss this post.
Yes, I’m talking early doof jock version of Stockwell and post-“possessed” Gordon, that masterfully done transition of hot from the light, bright boy to the dark, dangerous boy. This movie is an all time favorite horror film and, ugh, I cannot tell you how many times I have fantasized about these two dudes hooking up inside of Christine. I want to see that. Touch them high school parts in that devil car. Kiss me too in that devil car.Do it.