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tfw: Someone Pees In Your Mouth

tfw is a mini personal essay series I’m try to do on Tuesdays to recount second-person experiences of feelings and experiences we all have. Or maybe I’m the only one who has them?

You were still with that bad boyfriend, the one who kind of hated you but you fought to make him like you for months. It was October and he was in town so he spent most of his time living with you since he didn’t have anywhere else to stay. You both loved watching obscure horror movies so your plans before your plans was to watch something wrong. Should it be the obviously racist Black Demons? What about the nunsploitative The Other Hell? Perhaps the beachy rape massacre of Welcome To Spring Break?

You don’t remember. You just pick something and you watch it and you both lose interest.

You start kissing and making out and then you are having sex, awkward and lazy sex, the kind where you just lay on each other and hope that it happens. There’s some spooning and reverse touching. Things are poked and padded and parts are kissed. It’s over as fast as it began and now the two are you are sticky and—if you don’t take a shower now—you’ll have dried semen in your chest hair for days.

So, you both shower. You both hobble naked into the bathroom, razzing each other and grabbing nipples like boys in a small bachelor apartment locker room. You both slide into the bath and adjust the water temperature to something comfortable. Neither of you are very talkative at first because you’re trying to scrub different fluids off.

Then you have fun again. You start splashing each other and you grab nipples again. Someone slaps a butt. “Those pubes over there look like a smiley face,” one of you say, pointing to some stray hairs posing on the edge of the tub. You cup water over it and the features wash down the drain.

You look at his naked body and you watch the water drip off him, dribbling all over. You notice where the water drips off: at the chin, down the ears, from the elbows. It streams off the penis and looks like clear pee. You look at your own penis and watch the water stream off like pee too. This has always been funny to you.

You get on your knees. You don’t plan to suck him off: you just want to make a joke. You open your mouth and align yourself with the stream off his penis. His eyes are closed and he moans. You start to laugh as the water pools in your mouth, overflowing like a glutted well. You start to gargle. He opens his eyes and looks down at you in horror.

What in the fuck are you doing?” he asks.

You spit the water out and look up to him half-eyed, spitting between the shower spray. “I was drinking your water pee,” you laugh.

“Umm,” he says. He wipes a long hair out of his eyes. “I actually was peeing. That wasn’t water. That was pee. I just peed on you. I just peed in your mouth.”

You stare at him.

He stares at you.

You shrug and you open your mouth again and take the water pee to the mouth and spit it back out. “Huh,” you say. “Not as salty this time.”

You laugh. “You’re a childish idiot,” he says, getting out of the shower angrily.

You break up with him two weeks later.

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