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The Birds Are Horny

Most of us like sex. Sex is fun! While humans have some inventive means to pick each other up, we ain’t got nothing on birds.

For instance: palm cockatoos, a species of parrot from New Guinea, have made a name for the interesting ways that they try to get their fuck on. These are horny birds and, to signal how horny they are, these creatures drum for sex. Literally.

Using a tool – a stick or a rock – the birds pound on branches to create a rhythm that is used to attract a mate. As the New York Times explains, this entire affair is done by male cockatoos to show off a potential home for female cockatoos.

Holding the stick, or occasionally a hard seedpod, with his left foot (parrots are typically left-footed), the male taps a beat on his tree perch. Occasionally he mixes in a whistle or other sounds from an impressive repertoire of around 20 syllables. As he grows more aroused, the crest feathers on his head become erect. Spreading his wings, he pirouettes and bobs his head deeply, like an expressive pianist. He uncovers his red cheek patches — the only swaths of color on his otherwise black body — and they fill with blood, brightening like a blush.

Damn. These are some horny birds.

This entire situation is more than horniness as it displays how animals are similar to humans in using of tools and making of music. While these horny anthems won’t be played in clubs, what makes them notable is that they feature repeating patterns and “flourishes” that can last over ten minutes in length. That is a long time to make a horny love song.

Yes, this is remarkable but we needn’t jump to conclusion that these birds are doing anything more complicated than it seems: they just make noises because they want to fuck. These are horny birds with more than feathers getting erect.

This weekend, as you attempt to get that fuck on, think about what the palm cockatoo does to attract a lover. Think about the thirst of their horniness. These are some horny birds. We gotta step it up.

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