There’s some pretty foul things about American culture. Like what? Bad music and torture.
Those might not sound like they overlap but, as any culturally curious politico can tell you, bad music has been tapped as a means to torture people. Yes, it’s true! Popular in Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib, everything from Britney Spears to Eminem to Barry Manilow have been used to make people go crazy, creating a sense of hopelessness that would inevitably cause them to spit out the truth. It’s pretty gnarly and gross and, of course, totally American. Sigh.
But the most random, gross use? The closing “I Love You” song from Barney & Friends. In doing research on this song and torturous phenomena for work, I stumbled upon something even grosser than repeatedly playing a song to cause pain: torturing someone by remixing this children’s song. What does that mean? There is an entire subculture of people remixing children’s show theme songs and the Barney song seems to be one of the most remixed. Most of the songs are terrible, of course, but is there any value to them? Because I love you, I listened to a lot, a lot, a lot of these remixes to present to you the eleven “best” versions of this song.
Enjoy? Do something with this because the fact that these exist is proof of humanity’s brilliance and grossness (not to mention the sad cultural climate of ironic nostalgia).
Title: “I Love You (Dubstep Remix)”
Date Posted: October 5, 2012
Thoughts: Yes, these songs are bastardizaed versions of the original but this song is a clunky mess of crashing sounds and jump cut lyrics. Just because you put the song literally over some whirs does not mean you have made a remix. This is five songs in one which, sometimes, can be fun but this is just not fun. It is a roll call of gross dubstep clichés with Barney’s sweet “Great big hug!” thrown into the mix.
Title: “I Love You B#tch Barney Remix Vine”
Date Posted: May 28, 2015
Thoughts: Based off of a Vine, this “remix” takes the six second juxtaposition and stretches the concept of adding “bitch” into the whole fifty eight seconds of the original. I can appreciate the simplicity of adding “bitch” to the song as there’s a sort of tough love added in and a reclaiming of the word “bitch” as a term of endearment—but this is not a real remix nor was that the intent of this remix.
Title: “Ghetto Beat Remix – DJ CaliBoy”
Date Posted: September 2, 2014
Thoughts: You know when you go to a wedding and it gets really late and only a few people are left on the dark, blinking dance floor, drunk shuffling around to music that they can barely hear because their senses are muffled by The Drink? This is the song that plays as the group nods and trips over each other in intoxication. There is no other context for this, DJ CaliBoy.
Title: “I Love You (TechShocker Remix)”
Date Posted: August 22, 21011
Thoughts: This remix was my intro into this genre and it shows how these songs do and don’t work. When they don’t work? They sound like this remix, where the song is too literally a recreation of the song. TechShocker casts “I Love You” as an early-aughts Ibiza jam a la Alice Deejay. Technically, this is a cover—and not a good one.
Title: “I Love You Remix”
Date Posted: December 13, 2007
Thoughts: Like the above, this song is a blatant underscoring of the original—but there is some soul here that I can appreciate. It’s like the remixer was trying to reflect the theme of love, framing the song for what it is instead of trying to be “cool.” They do some good visual remixing too. Good effort!
Title: “I Love You (Extended Play 15 times back-to-back!!)”
Date Posted: April 28, 2012
Thoughts: With the most plays, this version is just the original song played fifteen times back to back, clocking in nearly fourteen minutes of love: it is for the post modern torture artist of a parent. Of it’s peers, the “remix” is the “Fizheuer Zieheuer” of the bunch: long, lean, and gorgeously redundant…and about Barney.
Title: “Barney Theme Song(SAYMYNAME’s Bacon Trap Remix)”
Date Posted: April 8, 2013
Thoughts: There is some good work being done here. From the starting build, the song works around the song instead of framing the song. It’s a funny Trap remix that doesn’t try to be anything other than what it is: a dance remix of Barney. It could live as it’s own thing but also as an ironic rethinking of the original.
Title: “BARNEY THEME [ChildHood HYPE Remix!]”
Date Posted: February 23, 2015
Thoughts: This is a legit shit Vegas “banger” in the worst way possible but done well in that it most seamlessly balances that shitty Vegas person desire to dance to a song that their kids love with the desire for dumb dubstep. This is what so many earlier in this list tried to do but failed miserably at. Perhaps it’s the sirens that bring it all together? Or the fact that it calls itself what it is, “ChildHood HYPE”? This also has crazy views, too.
Title: “I Love You in G Major”
Date Posted: October 5, 2010
Thoughts: When we go to ironic hell, this is the torturous version of the song we’ll be subjected to. Enter the void, you shits.
Title: “I Love You(Hip Hop Remix)”
Date Posted: Jun 17, 2013
Thoughts: This one is actually a nice trip? There is an underlying loop that I quite love not to mention a bizarre reduction and removing of itself from “Barney” around the thirty second mark. The result is this serious version of a song about love. You have to give the song a lot of credit for not relying on using the lyrics, which is a crazy accomplishment—and the only song to do that. If Hudson Mohawke were to do a Barney remix, it would sound similar to this.
Title: “I Love You Theme Song – Club Remix!!!!”
Date Posted: May 24, 2011
Thoughts: What song could have been the best of this mess? This one because it actually has a playful element of remixing, using the song as the basis for making something new yet nodded in reference. It recalls the work of House artists like Claude Vonstroke, particularly on the song “The Whistler.” It’s a simple repeating of a good beat with a vocalized component: for Vonstroke, it was the whistle—for this person? It’s Barney saying “I love you.” This song is one of the shorter ones, taking up only a minute and twentysomething seconds of your time. The timing with the interesting production loops leaves you wanting a little bit more, which is a quality none of these other songs has.