I block a lot of brands on Twitter but, for some reason, I hadn’t hadn’t been given the chance to block @mmschocolate, the official Twitter of the iconic American candy, M&M.
As we all know, a lot of brands like @moonpie and @DennysDiner are trying to “make Twitter happen” like the teens are making Twitter happen. Most of them are failing. M&M? They are failing big time. Like big time. It’s not like a parent discovered Twitter but like the pretty senior, boring executive discovered Twitter, gave it to a child, and then took it back after they “did it” for a few days. The result is a mishmash of wannabe meme loving that never lands. It’s neither funny nor sincere and is like the off-brand version of M&Ms: it’s not as good as what it should be and makes you wish you never encountered it to begin with.
But, since I suffered through it, you have to suffer through it. There are a lot of bad Tweets so I’m going to distill it down for your: here are the five saddest, worse types of Tweets from the @mmschocolate Twitter account. I’m sorry and you are welcome.
The Fake Stock Photo
Fake stock photos are a thing. We know this! It’s quality meme material, you Distracted Boyfriend you. Well, in a really fucking peculiar twist of events, @mmschocolate has chosen to take stock photos and – instead of adopt them as they are – they have taken them, put M&Ms on them, watermarked them with M&Ms, and added the worst captions to them. Look at this one. “Sorry I can’t hang out tonight,” you apparently says. Also you? An image of M&Ms pasted atop of the person who you are. It’s so bad and the Tweet itself – “We all have that one friend… Send it to yours. 😉 #MMSMemes” – is so, so, so bad. It borders on being so-bad-its-good but then it loops back around to being bad-bad. It’s bad. It’s embarrassing. I hate it so much.
The NASCAR Tweet
I get it: brands sponsor athletes and situations for exposure, for an audience. They do it for attention! It’s press which, really, is the same function that social media serves. Thus, it’s real fucking weird that the brand obsessively Tweets about NASCAR. We get it: you have a mechanized horse in this race. But also? Don’t fucking live Tweet the situation on main. Get a side-Twitter, a dedicated place for sports and chocolates to collide. Not everyone gives a fuck about some pasty white dude and his family and how they loop around a track for two hours like fucking sociopaths. Give it a rest, Ms.
The “Art” Tweet
Here’s a funny thing: brands want to appeal to the artsy crowd so they do visually appealing, slightly-off-brand Tweeting that makes them appeal to a trendier, more urban crowd. M&M does this via color blocking office supplies and trying to be dramatic with something as mundane as symmetry. Related (and more sad) is the non-ironic hopeful use of irony to reach out to fashion Twitter. Why do they do this.
The Talking M&M Tweet
Those guys from the commercials! But commenting on your photos! This account is all over the fucking place. They don’t even adopt the same visual style or tone as any of the aforementioned Tweets! The problem here is that this account tries to appeal to everyone, sanitizing even the most sanitary of LOLworthy items, and therefore appeals to no one. We’re all sad for you, @mmschocolate. Please take this mid-life crisis acting somewhere else (at least not online).
The Thirst Tweet
To understand the depth of their sadness, look no further than their version of the celebrity thirst Tweet. Yes, brands by their nature have to cater to celebrity, catching moments of genuine interaction for attention and potential collaboration. For @mmschocolate, this comes across like a third wife showing up at the husband’s funeral with the belief that it’s all about her. Take this Tweet. It’s one part problematic one-hit-wonder circa 2014 Iggy Azealea Tweet (“I hate coffee when its a drink but i love it in candy form. fix my life.”), one part quoted retweet that inserts yourself (A brand.) into a conversation no one was having with you (“Seems like you could use some Coffee Nut M&M’S…”), and one part sobworthy request for attention (“DM us if you need a fix ☕️”). This is like a Grindr hookup sexting you after you popped up on the app eight months later, messaging that you need his meat or some shit. It’s bad and sad and not even about them. This is the entire account in a nutshell or, rather, a shell that melts in your mouth and not your hands. I hope to never see anything from this account ever again and, no, I refuse to look up their Facebook or Instagram as I enjoy my sanity.