We live in an increasingly divided nation. Yet—Democrat or Republican, Libertarian or Independent—we all have one thing in common: most of us enjoy getting our fuck on.
Points of view aside, I’m the type of person who analyzes most persons of the same sex by how much I would be into or enjoy having an intimate experience with. I can’t help it! I think with my privates—even in regards to very ideologically contrasting people or those one might describe as “evil.” I can’t help it!
Much of these sexual frustrations have most recently been aimed at high ranking persons with extremely different political views from mine: the male Republican. I turn on the news, I see someone I don’t like but I would give a kiss to. The current administration does something frustrating, I—in turn—imagine fucking their straight brains out to make them have a little compassion. Alt-right blogger does some sketchy shit that crosses into the mainstream, I respond by imagining that they are discovered in a bath house in Thai Town, on their knees, with a college student. It’s a coping mechanism, I suppose. It’s a means “to solve” their callousness, their indifference, their queerphobia.
For self-therapy, I’ve finally sat down and ranked current Republican, alt-right, etc. figures who I would be most likely to hate fuck for the team as a means to heal the world through gay sex. The list has two criteria: first, I have to at one point sexualized the person by thinking “Would I have sex with this person?“and, second, they have to be evil. That’s it. If I considered them in a sexual way and consider them to be some modicum of evil, they are on the list. The list is assembled both by how “sexy” the person is paired with how generally evil they may be. This scale fluctuates but seems to make sense to me.
Surprisingly, it’s only twenty people so you won’t have to let your eyes bleed for too long. Feast—and then wash your hands and face. I’ve been doing so for the past hour.
20. Donald Trump
Ugh. The president. He had to be included here somewhere, right? I think it was somewhere along the “pussygate” scandal that I had to force myself to think “Who has sex with this man? Would I do the act if I was forced to?” The other funny, strange thing to think about with him is that some people actually find him sexually desirable. Unfortunately for him, he is the least fuckable on this list and—in some ways—the least hated because he is so clearly an incompetent idiot who faked his way to where he is. He might drive me insane and be the face of so many fucked up things but he’s ultimately the human equivalent of a cruise ship filled with other people’s bad ideas.
Cool photo from the top of the White House. Headed home after an unforgettable weekend. pic.twitter.com/WfEV6rNUib
— Eric Trump (@EricTrump) January 23, 2017
19. Eric Trump
Ahh, yes: the Trump family member who is all gums. A giant Tic Tac made of soft, blonde haired flesh. An opossum in a suit. Eric isn’t necessarily evil or fuckable but rises to number nineteen because he is only marginally better than his father and more problematic considering he is a direct beneficiary of both the nepotism and ethics violations that plague our nation today. Well done, you pile of leftover fat removed from a liposuction surgery.
18. Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, & Mitch McConnell
Oh, what a trio. These three are equally as vanilla in their evilness: Spicer is knowingly an accessory in failure who has worked on the Hill long enough to know he is being evil by dodging the truth pinned to a body that is the representation of the underside of a foot; Priebus is a whiny little airbag suit lurking around the cabinet; and Senate Majority Leader McConnell is the type of person who would sleep with a man on the side while paying him an allowance to maintain a silence akin to his own in regards to anything Trump related. The plus with McConnell is that he might allow for some postcoital play with his snood.
— Julian Assange (@JulianAssange) May 19, 2017
17. Julian Assange
An accessory to chaos and madness, this silver surfer would be like licking the lid from a lemon yogurt cup after it fell onto a bathroom floor. Look at that image! Who is he sexing anyway?
16. Gavin McInnes
You’d think the Vice head would be quite cool but, nope, he’s entered the nazi fringes of alt living. This news thought culture tribe leader—or whatever buzz word you want to assign him—does have a face that isn’t completely miserable to behold. In fact, he’s the first person on this list that you could actually see being a decent looking individual if they were stripped of their sketchy point of view.
— Vladimir Putin (@PutinRF_Eng) March 8, 2017
15. Vladimir Putin
Of course the human vodka martini with a splash of ball sweat is here. Putin is never not macho and has a parallel condition to “never nude” called “never not evil.” Putin would be a joy (“joy”) to hate fuck because you could actually rock his world into another universe of thinking. It’s like that one episode of South Park where Richard Dawkins and Mrs. Garrison hook up physically and intellectually, changing the world as a result.
— Sean Hannity (@seanhannity) February 2, 2017
14. Sean Hannity
A chin with two eyebrows, this theory spewing scumbag is dangerous because of his adoption of an ignorant type of evil. He is barely cute but is a more realistic fuck than those before because you know he has a sort of frat “Slap my ass!” quality about him. He also might have his face implode upon climaxing as the bottom part of his face and the top part of his face seem to come closer and closer together depending on how widely he smiles. He’s like the Fox News version of the Moon Face guy from Night Breed.
Peanut butter milkshakes have been my favorite since I was a kid. The Soda Shop in Hooker, OK is worth a trip! pic.twitter.com/ucjWUTxzJo
— Scott Pruitt (@ScottPruittOK) May 6, 2016
13. Scott Pruitt
Evil? Because he will kill the planet with his policy. Fuckable? Like a skinnier Chevy Chase who will allow you to call him Scotty if you let him use crude oil as lube.
— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) April 15, 2017
12. Donald Trump Jr.
Both the better looking Trump child and the more vocally bad, Donny Jr. falls here because his face is seemingly designed to take a palm. He also has a bit of a dapper quality to him when he does his hair and has a tan but that does not excuse that he is the closest Trump family member to the alt-right fringes.
11. Milo Yiannopolis, Peter Thiel, Lucian Wintrich, & Twinks For Trump
All these problematic gays. Let’s breeze through: Milo perpetually looks like a silver haired Myrtle Beach mom; Peter is a lonely, bandwagon joining neo-American Psycho; Wintrich is a somewhat dapper wolf in WASP’s clothing; and Twinks For Trump are a bussy bunch of dicks. They’re all bad. They’re all gay. That makes them equally as awful and appealing: they are minorities willing to be tokenized for attention as policies that work against them are advanced. They’d only be fun to fuck with because they probably have Berlin sex dungeon predilections that no one else on this list has.
— Gorsuch Facts (@GorsuchFacts) April 7, 2017
10. Neil Gorsuch
Paging PBS professor fuccboi, Gorsuch is the type of lawmaker who will advance bygone thought while appearing to be a tired looking Anderson Cooper. You two can bang each other with gavels in glee as the nation catches on fire.
— Rick Perry (@GovernorPerry) September 27, 2016
9. Rick Perry
Just look at that photo of that arm and his glasses and that Hillary mask: what isn’t there to love about this politician turned reality star turned cabinet member? I’d tap that. I’d tap that and then make him shove the coal he loves so much up his asshole to understand why coal is bad.
8. Tucker Carlson
I went to high school with so many of these mans. They drink beer and laugh at women and minorities. They’ve never had a problem in their lives. They’re the type of person who quietly berates anyone who isn’t a white straight men, subtly bullying them into thinking they are stupid. They were always cute. They were always evil. They were always the types of guys who secretly wanted their hair pulled and to cry on your clavicle after they come. Carlson is no different. He would be a very satisfying hate fuck.
— Newsweek (@Newsweek) May 9, 2017
He’s buff, he’s beautiful, and he’s a co-opted image of hate. This frog is probably the kinkiest on the list but also the most unpredictable. For better or worse, this evil mascot was killed so I’d be engaging in some very interesting necrophilia.
— General Flynn (@GenFlynn) July 5, 2016
6. Micheal Flynn
I have a thing for men in uniform, I guess. Paired with his striking resemblance to a gay accessory and we have a double agent winner. Perhaps this hate fucking would help us all because he might sing his truths in ecstasy? This is a theory that we might want to suggest to the CIA since what they’re doing isn’t quite doing the job.
If Wes Anderson made a war movie. pic.twitter.com/OPHMRpBf5N
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) April 6, 2017
5. Jared Kushner
He, like Flynn, is probably a double agent and, like McConnell, Priebus, Spicer, and the Trump sons, is complicit in so many things, seemingly remaining silent amidst idiocy. Unlike those who rounded out the list for being so damn vacuous, Kush has something different from them: he is the most classically beautiful person here. That lands him so high. He would be tolerable if you had amnesia. He is evil and high powered, yes, but he also has cheeks that you could squeeze until they become ruddy bruises between your fingers.
— Alex Jones (@RealAlexJones) October 4, 2016
4. Alex Jones
This is a mad man. This is an insane person. This is someone who rides on a fart cloud of conspiracy theories. Yet, he is most “my type.” In an alternate universe, Jones is a gay porn actor who yell-cries when climaxing. Really lends a new meaning to “Wanna suck?,” doesn’t it?
Swimming lessons pic.twitter.com/JVZRrkB1v0
— Mike Cernovich (@Cernovich) May 22, 2017
3. Mike Cernovich
This guy most definitely has smelly pubes. He probably has crabs. He also has a head full of silly theories and beliefs tied to masculinity that, paired with a pretty face, make him the perfect candidate for a good gay sexual experience that would correct all his wrong views. His extremely smug face and minor lisp lend himself perfectly to queer culture as he could easily be a tertiary character on a show like Fire Island, the annoying bitch faux-masc queen who saunters in late in the season to tell all the boys that he has herpes and is not ashamed to admit it. This is the type of cyst America needs corrected for cultural purposes.
2. Paul Ryan
I only have one thing to say about this complicit Eddie Munster: his invertebrate status would encourage a very, very, very, very healthy hate fucking. He also looks decent with a beard. I guess I had two things to say about this sentient widow’s peak.
— Richard 🐸 Spencer (@RichardBSpencer) May 15, 2017
1. Richard Spencer
The most evil. The most easily confused for “handsome.” The best punching bag that far right mania has offered us. He’s an everyman type just like the rest of us. Unlike us, he is a suit-and-tie white nationalist who is an oozing cancer on the asshole of hate. He is so bad that he could only be at number one. He has the type of face and “look” that could confuse people that he is good. He doesn’t wear his evil. He’s so abhorrent that I do not think I could actually commit the act of hate fucking him if it were my duty to put it in his quivery pimpled backside in order to save America: I don’t think I could. Yet, here we are. Spencer has a face that rivals Kushner but an evil that is arguably better hidden behind Ray-Bans. He’s more intriguing looking. He’s “alternative.” He will be gone soon enough but, for now, keep this in mind whenever this face pops up: part of his evil genius is that he actually looks good. There is a danger in beauty and Spencer embodies this. Now is the time to begin our mission of casting him as ugly. Step one was getting his gym membership revoked, forcing him to pursue his body regiments in the dank garage athletic facility he undoubtedly has. Hopefully he drops a free weight on his balls and has to have his dick removed.