The Twelve Pole Dancers Of The Holidays

We are days away from Christmas. While the news cycle has unkindly continued its assault on us, I want to bring you some good tidings – via pole dancers.

“Why pole dancers?” you may ask. Well, as my friend Lindsay pointed out to me, they’re kind of their own subgenre of holiday cheer. After some very light investigating and some noticing of digital synergy around the subject, I have curated an assortment of twelve different pole dancing creations that seek to honor this time of year. Please enjoy, you holiday horny folk.

For the first pole dance of the holidays, we were given this 2017′ breakout: the air walking sexy elf from Italy who went viral a few weeks back. The video is a gem mostly because this is a rare video of a holiday pole dancer doing the act in public. Why is this important? As someone on Tumblr who I cannot find pointed out, look at the faces on those seemingly heterosexual men in the background. Also: there are many kids. Clearly, this isn’t happening in America.

For the second pole dance of the holidays, we meet a classic: the “Pole Man” who plays the clarinet while doing holiday inspired “dances” that are mostly swinging around quite literally. Said “Pole Man” is actually a gay named Paul Groslouis who has become a minor internet celebrity from these elaborate dances. They’re quite fun! Which brings us to…

The third pole dance of the holidays is Groslouis doing more of the same with a Hanukkah twist. This is some talent, yes, but I’m also super stressed that someone is going to get hurt in this transaction. (Or, well, that a clarinet is going to get swallowed amidst the fun.)

For the fourth pole dance of the holidays, we’ll travel abroad to the highly elaborate crew associated with Poledance Vienna. This crew totally, absolutely are the most talented as they do synchronized, simultaneous dancing that proves the claim that “pole dancing is an atheltic activity.” If you watch any of these videos, make it this one. It’s the most professional and most “WTF is this flying ballerina magic??

For the fifth pole dance of the holidays, let us travel to a similarly professional environment that is the Spain based Pole Dance Mallorca. The group does a decent job but, sadly, don’t have anything on the Vienna crew. What you have to watch this video for is a sequence where a pregnant dancer gives birth to a small, living Santa baby that she holds whilst dancing. Think about that and then get back to me.

For the sixth pole dance of the holidays, we go into this person’s living room which – if you search for these videos – is the primary means for these videos to articulate themselves: as very bad amateur bedroom arts set to very silly songs. This is that but this person (“TheHaley73”) is actually quite good at the sport. Well done.

For the seventh pole dance of the holidays, we travel back to America where we get to see “our” talent by way of a synchronized class who are great at jumping around poles but have a lot less of the theatricality the European dancers have. Be that as it may, they’re doing amazing, sweeties. Love the spirit. Love the try.

For the eighth pole dance of the holidays, we get back into the Hanukkah spirit with this American Apparel ad that none of us will remember. This is a perfect segue into another set of videos that border on advertising in a similar light: parodies and ecards that connect “pole dancing” with the “North Pole.” The results are mixed.

For the ninth pole dance of the holidays, we look to a novelty pole dancing Santa toy that obviously is a niche because…

For the tenth pole dance of the holidays, we also are treated to a “Sexy Santa” – but he isn’t traditionally sexy. That’s the joke: a larger, fat man going at the pole, attempting to be sexy. I assume this is the working of straight people? Or straight men, at least. (However, the song Santa chooses to dance to in this video is Kylie Minogue’s “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” which is totally super gay.) (Still: I maintain this observation that this is a “laughing at” creation instead of “laughing with” regarding the idea of a larger man being seen as a sex object.)

For the eleventh pole dance of the holidays, we get this more directly offensive Santa fat joke since this Santa…breaks the pole. Rude.

For the twelfth and final pole dance of the holidays, we get into the most “WTF rude.” with a cartoon via WomenSavers.com which is a very bad website from another era. Thusly, we get an objectifying cartoon that turns the song “Sleigh Ride” into a stripper romp about a woman taking a man’s money for the holidays after getting him off. It’s just bad. Who is this for? I’m unsure but it just makes everyone look bad.

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