Ever since I watched that Raf Simons documentary Dior And I, there has been one stylistic takeaway tapping my forehead: I need some good ugly chunky ass black “leather” shoes. The film is pretty boring and a not-great fashion film but Simons’ personal style is great to see. At one point he wears long shorts and my heart jumped out of my shirt, jacked off, died, resurrected itself, and leapt back into me. It was a moment of inspiration.
It wasn’t because of the shorts: the death-to-life was from the ugly ass shoes. I’m always looking for ways to elevate and, frankly, Francophile my look and Simons had done it: he added ugly ass shoes to a shorts outfit. His shorts were wide and voluminous and his top (A sweater, I believe.) was trim and big but fitted: it was a look I do and can do better. It’s code for “dress up-down.” It was nothing without the black leather shoes that he paired with simple yet interesting socks. This is a contemporary stylistic touchstone.
I’ve been thinking about his shorts look for weeks now because I recently purchased two pairs of Hansel Of Basel sheer socks and thought I could slide them onto sandals or boots but they ended up looking so suburban. No dice. I was missing something. What? Why didnt’t they work? Oh: them ugly ass leather clunkers. I needed those shoes. Thanks, Raf.
With the push of a fashion story from SSENSE, I decided to find some shoes to lust after and suggest to you. It’s a good look. It’s a weird look and one that definitely is a throwback to myself in the eight grade, when Sketchers wasn’t Sketchers Shape-Ups and when chunky shoes were a thing not to be questioned. We will question the (shoe) chunk in the future, I know, so I want you all and I to have goth options within reach of a respective budget as these are heavy trend pieces. Check out them Good Ugly Chunky Black Leather Shoes. We dudes all need short pants and shorts with them Good Ugly Chunky Black Leather Shoes. Wear them with socks. Be Raf Simons. Own Dior. Be French and Belgian. Do fashion you.
These Valentino Shoes
The key to these shoes are the chunky soles meshed with classic dude church shoes. These are them to the most disgusting and delicious decree. They’re also way expensive, Valentino. I got you covered with cheep ass shit on this list but know these are the model.
Doc Martens 1461 Monos
A nice low-mid price option that is all black and obviously durable leather something because they are Martens. The only thing is that Martens are notoriously uncomfortable for long walking. Yet, these are a great, affordable, pared down idea of what these shoes should be.
Pointed Buckle Creepers
These are for a specific person. The heel is perfect and obviously where the new versions are coming from as creepers are classics. The buckle on these are a nice nineties touch. It may be too much but you want minimal lacing devices on an ugly chunky black leather shoe. They can’t be laceless. There’s gotta be some tech item.
Doc Martens Padraics
Like those Creepers, here’s an alternative to buckling that are done in an even more simplistic way. The texture on the leather is meh. These are a good price, though!
Valentino Rockstud Wing Tip Derby Shoes
These are indeed perfect, Valentino—but they cost more than my fucking dick.
Mossimo Reed Oxfords
These are horrible and cheap and gross but exactly the déclassé reference point the high end is mimicking. Thus, I am buying a pair. Laugh. But I am a low budget bitch with brilliant taste. Suck my fashion cock, jerk.
Dexter Archer Capote Oxfords
These are horrible but cheap and you need another alternative. They are not the worst! You can make these work. Remember: the idea of these shoes are based in ugliness. These are exactly that.
If you are feeling a bold version of subdued, check out these. They are quality and a nice take on black, i.e. deep emerald and prussian blue, a.k.a. takes on teal.
Raf Simons Derbies
We get it, Raf. You love these shoes and you are good at them.