We made it: the new season of Drag Race is less than a month away.
The news seemingly dropped out of nowhere by way of a sly casting special this past Friday. The queens have been revealed and, while some are not shocks (Ahem, Aquaria.), it was nice to see old and new faces for the show.
Before we unpack the queens, let’s unpack the season.
• This season has fourteen queens. That is a huge fucking cast. As history has taught us, this can yield the best or the worst types of seasons: the wonderful season five and stellar six were this big of a cast but the lackluster seven and fucking disappointing nine were also that big of casts. This means the season will be long and they are going to try to pull some stunts on us. Gird your fucking loins.
• The premiere is on March 22 which means All Stars will be over by then and that the producers, channel, etc. are hoping to ride this pony into the sunset. Milk that gay cow! Take the cash!
• There are some confusing near-homonymn queen names this season. There are two O’Haras – Eureka and Asia – but only one is related to Phi Phi. There’s also Monique and Monet. This is going to be confusing.
• There are three drag daughters of previous contestants: Miz Cracker’s mother is Bob The Drag Queen, Vanessa Vanjie Mateo’s mother is Alexis Mateo, and Asia O’Hara’s mother is Phi Phi O’Hara. Read into these what you will.
• Untucked is moving to VH1. If that means it will not stream online, I will kill someone because the milking turned to robbing. Second, this shows how desperate VH1 is for views because they are taking a fans-only thing and scooping out screen time for it. Interesting.
• This season brings the return of New York City: there are five NYC queens.
• There are a lot, a lot, a lot of bitchy types on this season. They’re aiming for drama in the absence of Valentina.
• There are a lot of hot guys!
• And some super, super, super babies.
Alright. Onward to judging the queens!
Cast Math: Willam meets Naomi Smalls trying really, really hard to be Sharon Needles.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: That cute boy who sat across from you in math class, who you wondered and hoped was gay, and then he opened his mouth and you were like, “LOL: this fag.”
Impressions: She is a brat. She already has a huge reputation in the community for being negative and, while sickening looking with a major following, we can expect her to be this season’s mega bitch. She’s also maybe too good for the show? She’s already a fashion queen, walking runways and going to parties: she’s already over the moon – and only 21. This kid is going to drive us crazy.
Chance Of Winning: Top three because evil doesn’t die easily.
Queen: Asia O’Hara
Cast Math: Lashawun “Post-Apopalopic” Beyond’s mind with Mariah Balenciaga’s body.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Acute gay face with very lovely lips.
Impressions: She’s okay! Not as bitchy as her drag mother, which is a plus, but her talking about being “Theirry Muglery meets the Gap” is a giant red flag that she talks fashion but won’t be. Yeeps. Also, her hair? It’s so whack but I also…love it? Beautiful eyes too.
Chance Of Winning: Ehhhhh. She’s gonna be like third or fourth person home – unless she conjures the bitch beast.
Queen: Blair St. Clair
Cast Math: Jaymes Mansfield stuffed into Derrick Barry’s body with Alexis Michelle’s theatre brain.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Imagine a white gay and here you are.
Impressions: She’s sweet! But she also is young and her literal mother – Not a drag mother! – helped her pick her drag name which feels like some sort of strange evolution in gay family dynamics. Anyway, Blair was leaked months ago because she got a DUI and escaped it to be on the show. Whoops! She might be a mess which is funny because she don’t seem like a mess.
Chance Of Winning: Did Jaymes Mansfield have a chance? No – but Blair is like the Pokémon evolution version of Jaymes so she has a slightly better chance. Slightly.
Queen: Dusty Ray Bottoms
Cast Math: The skin disorder that resulted from Max, Acid Betty, and Dax Exclamationpoint having a threesome.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Entirely fuckable curly cute boi who is sitting across the aisle from you at a Broadway show.
Impressions: Another theatre kid! His drag looks a little busted but he seems fun and smart and like someone you’d want to hang out with. I’m getting a forced “edge” from him but I do think he has some talent.
Chance Of Winning: Not the top and not the bottom.
I’m literally copying and pasting my thoughts from last season because they are unchanged.
Queen: Eureka O’Hara
Cast Math: Mimi Imfurst funneled through Jaidynn Diore Fierce
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Cute little chub boy, a very direct out-of-drag boy version.
Impressions: She better live up to the big name and personality that she gives herself because we need a wild big queen and she says she is that. While detail oriented with a pretty good look, I’m not sure that Eureka is going to be our “first big queen” winner. We had that chance with Latrice and she didn’t win—and this queen ain’t no Latrice. However, Eureka’s describing herself as the “Kool-Aid Man meets Eureka’s Castle meets Hobby Lobby meets The Dutchess meets Mary Queen Of Scotts meets fabulousness” is great.
Chance Of Winning: If they had to bring you back for round two and you wore the same loaf of bread hair? You ain’t winning.
Queen: Kalorie Karbdashian Williams
Cast Math: The dead body of Delta Werk being fought over by Mrs. Kasha Davis and Ben De La Creme.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Those gays who want to seem like thugs but are shockingly femme.
Impressions: This is a sweetheart! She’s going to be the shoulder everyone cries on. She says she does a lot of body work which I am intrigued by mostly because she is hiding her body under fringe. She also is doing some sort of mirage where she seems very plus sized at points but also skinny. Perhaps her aesthetic is fatty skinny, the opposite of skinny fat?
Chance Of Winning: Not a chance. Low middle, Khloé.
Queen: Kameron Michaels
Cast Math: Chad Micheals’ face grafted onto Milk’s body but with Detox’s “I’m cool (for the eighties).” fashion sense.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: JESUS CHRIST RED ALERT LOOK AT THIS BODY LOOK AT THIS BODY LOOK AT THIS BODY JESUS CHRIST GRAB YOUR LOTION AND LOOK AT HIS BODY
Impressions: Good god: a muscle queen. That’s new! She seems confident and like she can make “that” work but I’m very, very curious about how being that muscle-y configures into one’s drag aesthetic. Does it? This will be what makes or breaks her, rising her above or falling her under the competition.
Chance Of Winning: She will not win but she is sticking around for a while because look at that fucking body.
Queen: Mayhem Miller
Cast Math: Imagine Kennedy Davenport but with Bianco Del Rio’s stellar reputation.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: A hot version of Kennedy.
Impressions: Mayhem Miller is fierce. I know this because she is local and has been a staple for years. She is going to be stiff competition and the confidence she has in this video is unrivaled. She is going to go far.
Chance Of Winning: The first queen of the bunch that I actually believed could win.
Queen: Miz Cracker
Cast Math: Trixie Mattel put a spell on Farrah Moan to turn her into Magnolia Crawford.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Secret little muscle daddy.
Impressions: “Jewish Barbie on bath salts” is how she describes herself and, from this video, hell yeah she is that. I love Mizc Cracker. She and Mayhem are going to fight for the top. Her being Bob’s daughter also is quite a statement too.
Chance Of Winning: She and Mayhem are top two, easy.
Queen: Monet X Change
Cast Math: Bob The Drag Queen.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Bob The Drag Queen.
Impressions: Bob The Drag Queen. But seriously: I’ve seen Monet perform with good friend and fellow Drag Race super fan Liam and was blown away. You know what though? I couldn’t help but think of how Bob-like she was then – and now. This is going to be her main charge: to shake the Bob-ness off. She is more fashionable and seems to have a bit more attitude than Bob but she will circle his shadow quite closely since they are good friends.
Chance Of Winning: She will not win but she will come close.
Queen: Monique Heart
Cast Math: Jiggly Caliente’s face with Thorgy Thor’s attitude dreaming about Latrice Royale.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: A cute boy next door type with major, major TEEFS.
Impressions: I really, admittedly, did not want to like Monique since I do not like her outfit. But! She is a sweetheart! She seems so chill and authentic and cool, with personality and pep that some of the early queens on this list could learn from.
Chance Of Winning: She feels like she’ll be the Trinity Taylor of this season: poised to go home first but will outlast most.
Queen: Vanessa Vanjie Mateo
Cast Math: Ummm…is that you Anjie Xtravaganza?? Oh, no: it’s just Madame LaQueer’s look with Jasmine Masters’ tude.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: I am literally probably related to this person through some Puerto Rican connection.
Impressions: Like Monique, I didn’t want to like Vanessa but she seems pretty cool. She’s the good type of bitch, the one who is rude and mean but who acts that way because they actually care. Unlike Aquaria who is a snot, Vanessa seems to have a heart of gold and, truly authentically, seems to tell it like it is.
Chance Of Winning: Solidly high middle, just like Alexis.
Queen: The Vixen
Cast Math: Pretty sure this is just Milan again.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: Cute young boy next door.
Impressions: She’s a Chicago queen which means she hypothetically will bring it since those queens do not fuck around. She does seem to lack a point of view but she seems very nice enough. Not much to say about this one which is…not a good sign.
Chance Of Winning: Probably one of the first out. Sorry, bb!
Queen: Yuhua Hamasaki
Cast Math: Shades of Alaska with shades of Jinkx Monsoon with shades of Bianca Del Rio, providing a very interesting set of blinds.
Out-Of-Drag Hotness: A very androgynous super cutie who you will spend the day thinking about, trying to figure out who they are.
Impressions: I really, really, really like Yuhua. As has been noted, she is quite accomplished and has a confident way about her similar to Mayhem that shows she is a force to be reckoned with. Her fashion seems a little questionable if not entirely on the nose but she has some major potential to turn shit out.
Chance Of Winning: Pretty high. She’ll be underestimated but will be neck-and-neck with Miz Cracker and Mayhem Miller – and will have to fight off Aquaria for top three.