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Want To Feel Old? This Is Muzzy Today

Remember Muzzy? That 1990s VHS green monster cartoon that taught you how to say “I’m the young lady!” in French? Well, strap yourself in because I’m here to tell you that today’s Muzzy is a fucking monster that will stomp all over your childhood with fuzzy CGI feet.

I came across this unfortunate news after studying up on French in advance of an upcoming trip. I thought, “You know what? If Muzzy worked for kids, it will work for my stupid 30 year old ass.” It won’t. I can’t bare to look at it. It is horrifying in its newest incarnation.

First, let’s mosey down memory lane, to that “Je suis la jeune fille!” commercial. Oh, how young and sweet we were.

Weren’t those cartoons great? They were! Mostly because the animations were so kooky and eighties and, at the time, a nearby echo of other “edutainment” properties like School House Rock.

You know what happened though? In 2013, whoever runs Muzzy—the company Growing Minds or Early Advantage—thought the entire product needed to be crammed through a digital filter before being presented to the world as an iPad friendly tool.

Friends. I’m sorry: here is Muzzy today.

Altogether now: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! NO! GO AWAY! YOU DID THIS WRONG! WHY! DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT! NO!!!!!

Just look at the kids cringe, mad, tolerating a watch of this shit instead of something that doesn’t look like sleek plastic toys created in CAD by a design school freshman.

Tag yourself. I’m the kid in the red shirt.

Outside of the need to make this accessible everywhere and anywhere for children, the completely haphazard Norm Of The North-ification of this product is one of the more absurd remakes in the history of remakes. It’s a digital dumping on the original Muzzy In Gondoland. It makes you wonder how much—or how little—went into making this. It’s a shame all around considering millennial parents are too woke for this. Give them the original, people.

Now, to cleanse your palate, here’s the full original cartoon.

Cute! Kitschy! Entertaining!! Maybe even a little magical.

But, sadly, I had to sit through this fourteen minute fucking fancy feast of digital rubber yesterday. It is just flawlessly terrible.

The sound effects are bad. The music is bad. The graphics are the after taste of Veggie Tales. Corvax is disgusting. And le grand Muzzy? Ew: he looks like the type of guy who drinks yellowed Muscle Milk™ and Tweets about eating ass. He is a molded cucumber. He is Shrek’s pubes. He is the new Iggy Azalea song.

The only redeeming value are interstitials, like the cyclist, who remain the same (Cartoon! Cute! Relatable! Kitschy!) despite being updated. Everything else? A trash fire named desire.

I’m sorry I had to do this to you. One’s suffering cannot occur in a vacuum: it is to be shared. Know Muzzy is now terrible and that we are all old and will eventually die.

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