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What My Dick Thinks About Things My Dick Does (NSFW)

Things My Dick Does is a NSFW Tumblr that keeps popping up in my Tumblr feed because it features a pretty prominent popular penis. The concept behind the Tumblr is that it puts a cute enough penis with a drawn-on face into crotchal cartoons. Funny? Funny.

It’s pretty good! You see one, you’ve see them all though. They are enjoyable, I give that dick that. Buzzfeed blew the blog up this week, saying that the website features dick picks you actually want to see. They blasphemously proclaimed that penises are “generally not great to look at.” To that I say, “PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”: bullshit. The site does not turn me on (The person belonging to the dick is obviously straight with questionable habits.) but it does intrigue me from a character study. Who is this person who literally lays around with his dick out or in public popping out that peen all the time? I want to know.

But what I really want to know is what the penis is thinking. Is it comfortable? Is it happy? What is it actually thinking when it doesn’t have that smiley, caricature face? I think I know the answers because, whenever I see these images, I project my dick onto the TMDD dick and my body onto this person’s body and I think about how it would feel to be in these positions: these are the thoughts of the Things My Dick Does dick.

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“Fashionable, sure, but this shell hat is definitely stabbing my glans and this powder is absolutely going to be all inside my foreskin (and beyond) for weeks.”

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“The bridge of these glasses are kind of sticky and moist. People should clean their glasses more.”

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“This isn’t funny. This is actually straining me. You know sometimes when it feels like your dick is a bone and that an erection is going to break in half because it cannot get the room it needs for growth? That’s what’s happening here. I’m all boxed in. I could break and, yes, dicks can break. Don’t break me. Free the dick.”

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“First, these newly growing pubes hurt and are scratchy and, second, I do not know the brand of under shorts these are but I can tell you that they are bad. They are too tight and not a good brand. I request new underwear to poke around in.”

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“I am defying the odds because it is quite cold. Why else am I wearing pants?”

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“I’m definitely going to be a powdery, dried up dick after this and any sexual activity for the following day will go poorly because I am now covered in paper baby powder, AKA anti-lube.”

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“Try to fuck with me and I guarantee it will sting. Especially with how often you rub me for these photos? I’m tired and I’m chafed.”

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“Well, this is a good use of non-pubes. But, really? No one wants to eat food off of me. I am for pee. I am for semen. I am for things that you maybe put in your mouth but almost always spit out. No one likes swallowing anything that comes out of me. I promise you that it is the same thing for things that go on me: people don’t want to ingest that. CLEAN ME UP.”

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“I am a terrible, itchy thing with a very dramatic circumcision.”

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