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What Should The “Straight Flag” Look Like?

There’s been a lot of talk about flags recently. The most obvious flag related something was the horrible tragedy in Charleston, the ensuring ignorance, and the necessary reaction to fucking old ass racists about the confederate flag. Something that came and went underneath all this flag talk is MOMA’s adding the gay pride flag to their collection. To round this all out, Russia wanted to participate in the antics: the country’s ruling political party released a “heterosexual flag.”

Of course this is ridiculous. Of course something as absurd as a “straight pride” flag could only come from our dyed blonde bigot buds of the East. This is in now way surprising. What is somewhat surprising is the flag’s content, which really zooms in on “why” homosexuals are wrong.

Copies of the flag, which feature the outlines of a man and a woman holding hands with three children, were shown to Izvestia by Andrei Lisovenko, deputy head of the United Russia branch in Moscow. The flags also come printed with the Russian-language hashtag “A Real Family.”

How cute is that? A real family! It’s even a hashtag! This faceless, two-parent, two boys, one girl operation is adorable for so many reasons—mostly, for it’s ignorance. I also am somewhat confused that this is the flag. Why not something better or something more explicit? Here are a few ideas of what this flag for “straight pride” should look like:

• A man and a woman holding hands, walking through a Wal-Mart.
• Adam and Even standing over the corpses of two men bleeding out with hands held.
• Eve getting an apple from a snake—but the snake has the face of a woman.
• A recreation of the painting The Creation Of Adam where Adam is reaching out to poke Eve in the boobs.
• A tangled mass of human flesh with various sized arms and legs poking out, hair reaching from corners and from underneath folds. A few faces are discernible—a small girl’s face, the top of a man’s head, the nose and chin of a boy, a dog’s snout—in this mass of human flesh. The phrase at the bottom of the flag reads in cursive, “We are one world.
• Simply the hashtag #PPP for “Penis Plus Pussy.”
• A rainbow of khakis.
• The Kremlin with domes modified to look like breasts and spires modified to look like penises. The bottom reads, “It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?”
• Setup like mathematical equations, the lifecycle of sperm plus egg, sperm plus sperm, and egg plus egg. Two of the three end in death.
• Two men standing next to each other, not touching each other, their arms crossed as they engage in blank but stern stares. “How two men ought to interact,” it reads.
• A male and female black bear fucking the shit out of each other. A banner flies above them that reads, “It’s nature’s way.”
• A little girl sitting on a man’s lap. She wears a shirt that reads “Daddy’s Girl.”
• Norman Rockwell’s Freedom From Want but all the characters in the image are wearing ushankas and, instead of a turkey, it is a leather man with a gag ball in his mouth.
• A series of white, blue, and red bandannas sewn together.
• A man kissing a monkey under the phrase, “Is THIS normal? LIKE if you agree. SHARE if you want it to stop.”
• A couple holding hands—but both of their faces are Vladamir Putin’s. “A Perfect World” is written in cursive.
• The neck of a bottle of vodka entering a woman’s mouth.
• A guy fucking a woman from behind, she bent over with her long blonde hair obscuring her face. His sweaty face looks out toward onlookers, the corner of his top lip curling up in pride. An arm is crossed over his flabby chest that ends in a thumbs up. It smells of sweat. It boxy letters the flag proclaims, “GIT-R-DONE.”
• An advertisement for a Russian dating service that promises, “women and girls ready to wed.”
• A husband and wife walking with six kids under the age of ten, all of them crying. The parents appear bedraggled and tired. The image is juxtaposed with that of two men the same as the husband and wife holding hands and smiling. “Which Would You Choose?” is written above them.

Just a few thoughts. I have higher expectations for you, straight people: this is the best you can do? Step it up!

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