You know hoverboards? No, not hoverboards: those smartboard scooters that are called hoverboards but aren’t actually hoverboards. The thing that Wiz Khalifia got arrested for using does not hover but instead glides on the ground and has quickly become the mark of a technological douche, usually one who is very active on Vine. It’s the Ed Hardy jean of the future.
But, we have to wonder: is it ever cool to ride one of these or date a dude who is into them? As The Cut posed earlier this week, who would date a hoverboard dude? You could respond that you plainly would or would not or, more daringly, if he was or was not using the device while you were fucking. The results were surprising and not: 55% said NO, 20% chose the joking “Only if he was using it during sex,” 14% said yes (HUH.), and 10% chose the alternative and sadder NO that was, “Only if he wasn’t using it during sex,” as if acknowledging that these child-men have a redeeming quality to be seen outside of their means of locomotion.
We must wonder: when is it really okay to be down with a guy who is on a hoverboard? Is it ever cool? You could easily scream “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!” as he fucks your brains out while blasting One Republic but I do wonder when it would be cool. Thus, here are some scenarios when it might actually be OK to fuck a hoverboard dude.
• If he refuses to wear a helmet and thrusts you so hard that he could fall into a coma if he hits his head on a hard surface, just like he does when he’s hoverboarding.
• If he asks you “Do you wanna ride?” and then hums “Freak Like Me” as he fucks you.
• If he can do what this girl can do on a hoverboard as he enters you.
• If he is King Bach and promises to pay for your entire life, at least until Vine disappears.
• If he has wheels on his dick and can make your pussy or anus ride.
• If he promises to lub up and then accelerate them wheels on you clit/anus.
• If he can use the light on the bottom of his hoverboard to help you find your keys.
• If he he calls his dick “Optimus Prime.”
• If he is wearing this outfit.
• If he is Michael J. Fox.
• If he upgrades to a Uni-Wheel because you want to feel the saline from his douche in you ass burn as its in you.
• If he can convince you that gay men really do use hoverboards because I promise you that gay men do not fall for this stupid ass trendy bullshit.
• If he calls himself “Hoverdaddy” and only calls you “Hovermama.”
• If he can stick the entire board up his asshole without flinching. Not even the corner of his eye can twitch.
• If it is the day before he turns 18.
• If he can promise you that he understands that he can only ride this at a safe speed.
• If he rides his ‘board as he meets your grandmother and speaks only in the sentence, “No, sorry: this is my life. This is my movement.”
• If he uses his giant ass charger as a long, ropey anal bead.
• If he admits to you as you are coming that global warming is real and that, yes, his using a rechargeable hoverboard is his means by which to help end global warming.
• If he trades in his hoverboard for $500 so that he can buy you this fucking suit off of someone who already owns it in your size.
• If he never puts his dick in you.