You know what the kids are into? An extremely cursed series of YouTube videos for babies.
It’s called Billion Surprise Toys, a Dubai based “3D cartoon animation” company creating nursery rhymes and songs for children. They don’t look that bad! But they are extremely cursed. They are not good. They embody a wrongness that young children cannot see but that older children are obsessed with. As the always brilliant select/all noted in late August, the appeal of these videos could be that they look like “Boss Baby casting rejects.”
I have watched and become obsessed with video after video after video. But why are they so…wrong? Why are they so captivating in their oddity? Why are parents showing these videos to their children or, generally, why are people watching these videos millions of times over? We may never know exactly why but I think it’s the cursedness of it all, which can be taxonomized in a few ways.
• The skin. Why are all these people so oily looking?
• The movement. Every time they move, there are accent marks. Every time a foot falls, a little cloud pops out. Any time they do anything but be awake, their bodies transmit that.
• The simplicity (and strangeness) of the subjects. Why are they talking about eating sugar? Why are they talking about obeying parents? Why are they insisting on looking in each other’s mouths?
• Speaking of “obey,” did Michel Foucault write the scripts for these?
• Non-nursery rhymes. Why are none of these videos actually nursery rhymes? Why are they techno nightmares?
• The dad is kind of hot. It’s the mustache, right? Why did they make him look like a daddy?
• The names are all weird. Poppy for puppy. Johny with one N. Chiya???
• Why is everyone lying?
• The ice cream. Why is there a person made of ice cream living with this family? Are they a relative? Are they imaginary? What are they?
• What the fuck are their eyebrows?
• Everything is backwards. The clock, words on shirts, designs on vehicles: they’re all backwards. This could have been changed “in post” but wasn’t. Do the makers know this is animation?
• Is this, in any way, related to Zoobe?
• They do everything wrong. Look at the video above. Is that how you take a bath, you fucking baby? NO. That is not how you take a bath!!!
• The proportions of the kids are so, so uncomfortable. The circumference of their heads are bigger than their fucking hips!
• The sound effects. The stock sounds tossed into recorded sounds are so fantastically uncomfortable. Just listen when the kid falls off the swing and when the kid gets scared.
• Again: the dad is “hot,” a la the Inside Out dad.
• Why is everyone lying and laughing? Is this a problem that the city these people live in should take care of?
• What do the mommy and daddy do for work?
• Why are all the kids in this place the same fucking age?
• Everyone moves in slightly slower motion.
• Eating lollipops with an anthropomorphic ice cream in bed.