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Would You Fuck A Frankenstein Dildo? (sNSFW)

One of my most popular posts is about egg laying sex toys. Can you believe that? I still cannot believe that people put fucking sex eggs in their pusses and asses for pleasure. Good for them! Weird—but good for them.

In reflecting on that post, I found myself spiraling down a bizarre corner of the Fleshlight brand that intends to provide competition to those weirdo egg sex toys. No, they are not making egg dropping pleasure devices. Instead they are making faux-holes and faux-poles to play with that are made in the image of imaginary creatures and horror icons: they made sex toys that will make readers of Fangoria cringe. This is the Fleshlight Freak collection.

For example: they made a zombie dildo. For nearly $65 dollars, you can fuck yourself with a fake dick that is losing it’s skin. (Writing that makes my pee pee hurt.) It has sores and abscesses and uncomfortable bumps and grooves for your undead pleasure. It’s a putrid green-brown. Someone wants this! I don’t know who but there is a market for this. Oh, forgot to mention that there is a corresponding pleasure hole / Fleshlight too: it features a decaying vagina with a squiggly, jagged interior.

That isn’t the only horrifying penis-pussy combo: there are four other oddities. There’s a Dracula version with a batwinged vagina and an undulating, vein heavy dick. There is a cyborg version with a purposely boxy circuitboard ridged cock. For those who want something slice and diced, try the Frankenstein version which has a steampunk vagina and penis made from plastic imitating strung together flesh. It even has bolts at the base of the dick. Yum.

Obviously, there’s an alien version too. Fleshlight wouldn’t be making these faux cock and cockettes without trying to compete with how to get your alien fuck on. The vagina is three pronged and neon blue and the penis is an exaggerated wide split headed monster that will dilate your holes.

The funny thing about this is that these creature sex freatures are not new: they have been around since 2011, when the above video came out. Why am I surprised? If there is something that looks like a dick or puss, someone is going to profit from that—including making it look reanimated. This makes my part(s) very uneasy but it also makes them laugh because this shit is fucking hysterical. Want to get your freaky ass alien fuck on? Fleshlight can help you out.

Featured photo via.

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