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Would You Look At This Fucking Cool Pastor?

You know when you find out about a part of contemporary culture that is just so ridiculous that you cannot believe it could possibly be real? This could be a thriving subculture that seems impossible to sustain or an entire set of slang you’ve never heard before. Whatever it is, you find it both captivating and repulsive and are fascinated that it could thrive as it does.

That is why hipster churches are fucking bizarre. Of course they exist. We all know them and we’ve all seen them but, unless you have dug deep into them, you haven’t truly encountered their bizarre, ugly appeal. At the center of these “cool” churches are of course cool pastors. You might have read about them late last year in Complex and, if you haven’t, I highly suggest you take a semi-deep dive into this bizarre world of Urban Outfitters Jesus chic because they will undoubtedly give you terrifying douche chills to remind you that nothing is sacred.

The one person who is most grossly irresistible, the crumpling car crash of Christ, is the artisinally named Judah Smith. Billed as “Justin Bieber’s pastor,” Smith is the Seattle based Lead Pastor at The City Church and a budding star in the new cool church movement. “When I stand and speak, I don’t just take on a preacher voice, I’m just who I am,” he says, placing a fingerless gloved hand on your shoulder as he offers you a drink from the new Blood Of Christ, Red Bull and grape vodka.

His being who he is isn’t the problem: it’s just the execution, the hyper trendiness of this Jesus dude jumping from material item to material item to appeal to you. Here: look at these media items of him.

“Are we on?” this video starts, a coy cool way to start a YouTube something that gets into his ironic joking about how all the videos will be him talking in front of a wall. LOL, Judah!!!!! “I was told today that I look I’m in jail,” he adds on his style, inspiring self-deprecating humble snickers at his material (designer) goods. He then goes on to shill a book called Jesus Is For You that features images that are “super hipster.” He notes the book is even available in Stockholm. Can you believe that?! Stockholm? How fucking cool is he???? If you ever forget that christianity isn’t trying to sell you something, let this be a hip reminder that church is just an exchange of money. The eucharist is economics.

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To that effect, look at this watermarked Getty Image that I couldn’t find unstained: it’s the humble preacher Judah with his friend Justin Bieber. That Justin Bieber!!! The famous one!!! Look at his ripped jeans: they are such good friends! They are such good friends that they mutually man crush and inspire each other. What a journey, these good looking godly white men are on. What a journey!

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What are those marks on his hands for? They’re entry to the only club you’ll ever want access to: heaven.

Judah Smith Justin Bieber Hipster Chick Fil A Manny pacquiao Seattle Los Angeles City Church 1234kyle5678 Christian Contemporary Religion urban outfitters coachella las vegas edm 7

Here he is shilling another book but wearing a blazer because he is a preacher. Don’t you forget it! Just read the cover of his book. It’s about god, dude. Bow down to Him or die trying or whatever, man. How crazy is this that we’re bro-ing out over His word? Take a Dos Equis and take a knee. Let’s talk to the man in the only DJ booth I ever want to hear records spun from: his lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Judah Smith Justin Bieber Hipster Chick Fil A Manny pacquiao Seattle Los Angeles City Church 1234kyle5678 Christian Contemporary Religion urban outfitters coachella las vegas edm 4

No idea who these other guys are but, clearly, they are very cool god guys. Also, just look at Judah’s adorable face: has he ever gotten a work done? Are the apples of his cheeks real? Is his blood of Christ botox? Does The City Church offer spiritual spa treatments and rejuvenating brow lift Bible studies?

Judah Smith Justin Bieber Hipster Chick Fil A Manny pacquiao Seattle Los Angeles City Church 1234kyle5678 Christian Contemporary Religion urban outfitters coachella las vegas edm 3

This flight about to get lit!!!!!!!!!!! With the fire that Jesus puts inside my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What are those????? Damn Daniel in the lion’s den: they’re my Christ Kicks. #blessed #aintnomountainhighenough #youngandreckless #family #getusetoit #purpose #comesnapwithme

Judah Smith Justin Bieber Hipster Chick Fil A Manny pacquiao Seattle Los Angeles City Church 1234kyle5678 Christian Contemporary Religion urban outfitters coachella las vegas edm 6

Here’s the thing: this guy is nice enough, I am sure. He is just the Las Vegas EDM Hoverboard Coachella Baby Pants Vine Star Ripped Jean Açai Bowl Fat Jew Big Hat Formerly Ed Hardy Wearing Jon Gosselin #millennial answer to evangelists like Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer, who our parents like. It’s the same Christian rock everything recontextualized with Bieber at the organ instead of Carman. This is a mass media culture that hates gay people and other minorities behind closed doors but, in their club of all clubs, all are welcome to sip that grape vodka with them. These are the same people who love Chick Fil A and still think Manny Pacquiao is cool.

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Everything about this person gives me acid reflux and makes me want to burn my entire wardrobe and convert to some sort of devil loving vampire subset of dressing, an eschewing of my materiality to literal blood and gore. Just look at this fucking cool pastor with his Terry Richardson glasses, a figure composed by all the normal relics of a sinner reframed as a saint.

If Christian culture is where contemporary culture goes to die, we’re experiencing a nuclear holocaust because mainstream culture is Judah Smith. Wake up, sheeple: the Wolf Of God is among us, eating what makes us unique and using it to market to sinners.

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