Wow, The New American Horror Story Will Be Bad For Everyone

It’s here! Ryan Murphy’s acclaimed American Horror Story is out in just a few weeks and the trailer has dropped and I’m very ambivalent to report that it is going to be bad for everyone.

Not because the show is scary (It isn’t.) but because it hits every fucking liberal hot take button with the over zealousness of a white arts student pushing send on a really, really enlightening Tweet about [Insert Whatever Disconcerting Presidential Happening]. It’s Ryan Murphy’s sheetcaking equivalent.

Just watch the fucking trailer.

First, the obvious: it’s about a lesbian couple in the Midwest who are “shook” by the election of Donald Trump. No, no, no: it isn’t allegorized or metaphorical but literally about Donald Trump. They literally mention him by name. It’s not subtle or with tact but just goes there because creativity and critical thinking in horror I guess ended with the release of Get Out.

The show is also about a nefarious cult. Who is the cult? A bunch of literal clowns. In real life, who are the clowns? Nazis and white supremacists along with the newly elected orange faced leader of the free world. It’s like they read that article about how to make fun of Nazis but took it seriously, as if this tactic of making fun can and should be distilled in the opposite direction. It also folds in the unique 2016 clown panic making the show a de facto last-year-buzzword salmagundi.

Oh! The lead character – played by the fabulous, IRL queer Sarah Paulson – is named “Ally.” Ally. Like an ally, meaning “to unite or form a connection or relation between” or meaning “a person who helps and supports someone who is in a difficult situation, especially a politician.” If this character isn’t a lampooning of white allyship given that the cast shown in the promo is almost completely white, I am going to scream so hard that my facial features will exeunt my face, flying through Los Angeles until they enter Ryan Murphy’s mouth, gagging some sense into his body. That, really, would be the true American horror.

(Also, “Ally” could be seen as maybe a reference to the poopie pants diet pills. I’ll send a note to FX to comment on if this is true or false.)

So, yes, I’m here to tell you all that this show is dead (to me) and that it is very, very bad for liberals, Democrats, forward thinkers, and more despite how close-to-home it may seem. This will explode in our face, Ryan Murphy. This is a bigger turd bomb than Michael Moore could have dreamt up while having sex with Al Gore as Hillary Clinton watched via all the phones left behind from the Women’s March. It is literal fake news, yes, but will be used against us in propaganda. Just ask Kathy Griffin.

But what could have been better (or worse) subject for AHS to protest Trump? A red, white, and blue unicorn donkey named Pencey who forces aborted babies back into women? A harpy named Ivan’Ka who rains hot jewels on families in the hope of alleviating the pressures of life while shitting glitter gifts to her kin after she eats local newspapers and low income housing? A fungal cloud named Bannomillermcconnuchinpaulryan that deteriorates people’s skeletal system, rendering them speechless before spineless?

We gotta try harder in our resisting, fam – especially those making media. Hollywood keeps giving them gifts to make us look bad. Unfortunately, American Horror Story might be the worst entry yet.

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