Of Course These Songs Are What Would Be On Pornhub’s Record Label

Pornhub is one of those mashup websites that take high end pornographics and mash them with YouTube like amateur photography. You get everything from girls who look like they live next door to literal girls who live next and look a bit like your mother. It’s the same concept and owned by the same people who do YouPorn, Xtube, RedTube, etc.: you know one of these sites, you know them all.

Yet Pornhub is decidedly more sophisticated because they have put out an effort to represent musicians and sought audial representations of the XXX website. Finally, the results are in—and two winners have been picked.

Here is the first song. It is by Pennsylvania based “hip-hop” artist Jordan Royale. His sound is very white, a la Fred Durst. The winning song is simply titled “Pornhub Anthem” and is composed of flat bubble keyboards and the starting lyrics, yelled, “I love watching porn after having a bad day.” A rolodex of porn star names is included, shout out to haters who thinks this is “selling out” is included, and Pornhub being equated to everything. The best part of the song is if you do the audio equivalent of squint your listening capabilities it sounds like a wonderful Juggalo anthem, which—god willing—it will be. What a fascinating marketing exercise.

The second song is absolutely fascinating. The song is “You Make Me Feel” by Mihannah Zhang and is like J-Pop all girl rock band, to the point of the cheer “PORN-HUB-3-4!” breaking segments on the song up. It’s surprisingly peppy and somehow sexy despite it also being and advertisement for a pornographic website. It’s a great improvement from Royale, actually an act that could be massaged into something nice. The other seems like a college subcultural joke.

Do either of them entice a visit to Pornhub? Not at all. One inspires laughs and the other some glee but also confusion. What’s next for these artists? Do all of their songs have to include a literal shout to Pornhub? Is it possible to evolve from porn songwriter to legitimate musician? If anything, they’ll have all the free porn to watch for at least a year which has got to be somewhat inspirational.

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